Tag Archives: faith

Miracles Born – Book Excerpt from “Full Heart Empty Womb”

Posted in Infertility, inspiration, The Blessings, The Book by

In case you missed the letters leading up to this, you can find them here,here, and here 🙂

Book Excerpt from “Full Heart Empty Womb”

October 17 – Welcome to the World

The next morning they had me attached to the fetal monitors for awhile. I was borderline delirious because I hadn’t had any real sleep in almost 48 hours. I was also still in an enormous amount of pain. Lying on my side for the monitoring was excruciating. They were starting to talk about delivering again because the babies were not responsive. There was a constant stream of tears running down my face. They still had a strong heartbeat but they were lethargic….much like their mommy.

My OB came in to visit me. She was immediately alarmed when she looked at me. I told her about the pain. She asked me if I minded if she checked me for dilation. She checked me and I was four centimeters dilated. It was finally time to have my babies. My tears of pain and agony turned to tears of relief and happiness.

We sprung into action again. The phone tree was activated. My dad had just gotten on a plane to Chicago so he boarded a plane home as soon as he landed. My sister, Amy, made plane reservations to fly down later that week. Everyone else hopped in the car to drive to Nashville.

Within no time at all, the anesthesiologist came to administer my spinal tap. I remember he kept trying to get me to hunch over a little more so he could get it in the right spot. I am pretty sure I had a smart aleck reply about not being able to hunch over much more with my huge belly!

I lay back in bed and waited for them to whisk me away to the operating room. Eric still paced the room with a crazy look in his eyes. He had been through the emotional and physical ringer the last couple of days too. He didn’t get much more sleep than me. I also cannot imagine how difficult it would be to watch someone you love go through so much pain and not be able to do anything about it.

I was wheeled into the operating room with happy tears running down the sides of my face. I had made it. Praise the Lord for giving me the strength to get through the last eleven weeks.

There was a crowd of about 20 people in there. There was my OB and her nurses. The NICU staff was there with an incubator ready to transport the babies to the NICU after delivery. I had also consented to have some nursing students come in to observe the delivery. I guess I was a good learning case for them!

At 11:07am Ethan Brent Greer was born weighing a hefty four pounds four ounces. One minute later Ella Bailey Greer was born weighing four pounds. I didn’t get to hold or kiss either of them. I got a quick look at them in the incubator. They each had a nurse who had them bagged and was helping them breathe. And just like that they were gone to the NICU. And I immediately passed out. My work was done.

Final Thoughts

People may hear about my difficulty getting pregnant with Ethan and Ella and think I was pushing fate when we decided to go through fertility treatments. Maybe God just didn’t want us to have babies. After hearing about my struggles to just stay pregnant, they may think that we were still pushing something that just wasn’t meant to be. Maybe we just weren’t meant to be parents. It was a very bumpy road getting to here. Aren’t most of the roads worth traveling anything but smooth?

Today Ethan and Ella are healthy, normal eight year olds. They just started second grade. They have already been a blessing to our lives and to so many others’ lives. I can look at them today and see the potential that they have. Ethan is a little math genius like his Daddy and that makes me so proud. But it is his caring heart that brings me to my knees. Every night he prays from his heart for several people. I listen to his heartfelt prayers and know that he is straight from God. He tells me he wants to be a doctor or go into the military. How many lives will my baby save because we were brave enough to fight for his?

Ella has a love for reading like her Mama. She is always asking for five more minutes with her book before bed. But it is her nurturing heart that brings tears to my eyes. Since she has been in preschool she has always had at least one special needs child in her class. Ella always gravitates to them. She never looks at them as different. She just wants to be their friend and help them. She tells me that she wants to be a teacher when she grows up. I can see her being a special education teacher like her Aunt Sharon. How many lives will she touch because we didn’t give up on hers? I also know without a doubt that she will be a wonderful mother. How many more generations of children will come from us because we didn’t give up on our family?

Ethan and Ella then and now

God was at work in our very bumpy road. He never guaranteed us or anyone a smooth road to parenthood or anything else for that matter. This bumpy road taught me so many lessons that made me a better mom, wife, and daughter in Christ that I would never take for granted.

It is hard for me to read this and think this all happened nine years ago.  The memories are still so fresh.  Now the tears are happy.  Little did I know that this was just the start of my journey.  With my 20/20 rearview mirror vision, I am thankful for my very bumpy road and the ability it has given me to relate and encourage women.  If you know someone that is dealing with infertility or has in the past, please share “Full Heart Empty Womb: How I Survived Infertility … Twice” with them.  It may be just the encouragement that they need on their very bumpy road.

“Today Should Be Your Birthday” Letters to Ethan & Ella – October 16th

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In case you miss the first two letters, you can find them here and here.

October 16, 2006

Let Me OUTTA HEREDear Ethan and Ella,

I am trying so hard to stay strong for you. I didn’t sleep a wink last night because I was in so much pain. My nurse told me that it was her goal this shift to get me in the delivery room. I feel so conflicted. I am excited to finally meet you, but I know that you still need more time to develop and grow. But I am just in so much pain.  I am praying for strength.

I have a whole team of doctors that take care of me. They have one mission – keep me pregnant for as long as they can so that you can grow. They have hammered it into my head that every day that I stay pregnant is four less days that you will be in the NICU. The last eleven days I have been on an IV of a drug called Magnesium Sulfate to help slow the contractions. All the other drugs have lost their effectiveness. I thought I was on the highest dose. When the doctor came to see me this morning he increased my dose once again. I will not get to meet you today, and I am so sad.

I have never cried or complained to any of my doctors or nurses the whole time I have been here. Today I cried. I cried because I was disappointed. I cried because I was in so much pain. I cried because I was exhausted. I cried because I felt guilty. How selfish of me to want you to be born any sooner? I begged the doctor to at least give me something to settle my stomach and help me sleep.

Daddy didn’t even go to work today. He didn’t want to leave my side. I am so glad he stayed. Unfortunately the sleep meds didn’t work on me. Instead of making me sleep they just made me delirious. I would nod off for a minute then jolt up and feel like I had to go to the bathroom. By the afternoon I couldn’t even walk to the restroom without his help.

Four less days in the NICU…..Four less days in the NICU…..Four less days in the NICU….

Can’t wait to see you,

Mommy

Stay tuned tomorrow for an excerpt from “Full Heart Empty Womb: How I Survived Infertility … Twice” when Ethan and Ella were born 🙂

Letters to Ethan & Ella – October 15, 2006

Posted in Infertility, inspiration, Steph, The Blessings, The Book by

If you missed the first letter to Ethan and Ella, check it out first 🙂

Nine Years Ago Today – October 15

October 15, 2006

Dear Ethan & Ella –

Steph in the hospital with her visitor – Majors!

The last few days have gotten harder on me. I am trying to remain strong. I have gotten more and more uncomfortable. I can only lie on my left and right side and that gets old 24 hours a day. But I will do it as long as I can! I made it to the 32-week mark, so now we are aiming for 34-weeks.

It is funny I have had the same nurses the whole time I have been in the hospital. They are now getting to the point of being surprised that I am still here after they come back from their days off. “You haven’t had those babies yet??!!” We are hanging tough, and they are all cheering for me.

Your Nana and Papa came and visited with us on their way home from Knoxville today. My back started to hurt more and more throughout the day. It got pretty tough to lie back with a smile on my face and act like I was okay. It was a brutal night. I feel like it was one giant constant contraction that never lets up. I wasn’t able to sleep more than a few minutes at a time and I am in so much pain that I have actually thrown up a few times. Your Daddy is starting to look a little freaked out and that is not easy to do!

I still love my Opals and the love they represent :)

I still love my Opals & the love they represent 

Daddy knew I needed some cheering up, so he gave me a present today. When I opened my gift bag, I found an opal necklace and earrings. Opal is the birthstone for October. It brought tears to my eyes. It cheered my up not only because they were pretty, but it was the message he was saying to me. My due date is in December, and we knew I would never make it that long. November is only 17 days away, but it feels like an eternity away. He was telling me that I have fought hard, and that it was ok to have you in October. I can’t tell you how much that meant to me. I wouldn’t be letting him down if I couldn’t make it until November.

But I still have 16 days left in October. I will keep fighting as long as I can.

Every day = 4 less in the NICU. Every day = 4 less in the NICU.

Love you Babies,

Mommy

Letters to Ethan & Ella – October 12, 2006

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Becoming a mother was a long, hard road for me.  After years of tears and prayers, God blessed me with a pregnancy – twins!  Little did I know that the pregnancy would be yet another opportunity to lean on God…

Nine Years Ago Today – October 12

October 12, 2006

Dear Ethan & Ella –

72 Days. I have been laying in a hospital bed for 72 days now on bed rest. I would stay for 72 more if it meant my babies would be born healthy. People keep asking me how I am doing this and I don’t understand. A mom would stand on her head for a hundred days if it meant she would help her babies. And that is what you are making me….a mom. I am finally going to be a mommy after years of waiting and I can’t wait!

You have been trying to speed up your arrival for the last few months. Thank God for the doctors who caught my contractions at my ultrasound appointment when I was only 21 weeks pregnant. I never even felt them. What would have happened if my appointment were even a day later? Would I have lost you? They have never stopped the contractions, but the doctors have slowed them down so you have time to grow and develop.  I thank God for watching over us. Do you know that you literally have hundreds of people who are praying for you? Their prayers are what are giving me the strength to make it another day.

I kind of feel like I am stuck in the movie “Groundhog Day.”   (It is hilarious. Don’t worry – we will watch it together when you are old enough!) I feel like I am reliving the same day over and over. I wake up. Order my breakfast from the cafeteria (blueberry muffin, cheerios, sweet acidophilis milk – which we affectionately call my sweet ass milk ;). Pee. Lie and wait for my breakfast while I watch The Today Show. Pray. Sit Up. HOORAY!! Eat. Lie back down. Wait for my morning nurse to give meds. Drink water. Pee. Nurse comes gives me meds in my IV. Shift to my other side. Drink water. Pee. Finally the doctor comes to round on me. Tells me the same thing as the day before. “Every day we keep them in you, is four days less in the NICU!!” Pray. Then the best 10 minutes of my day – SHOWER!!! Lie down. Drink Water. Watch Talk of the Town. Order lunch. Pee. Drink. Shift positions. Sit Up. Hooray!!! Eat. Lie back down. Crap. Gotta pee again. Get hooked up for my daily monitoring. Shift and try to get comfortable with all the cords. Stare at the contraction monitor and wonder why I can’t feel any of them. Pray. Shift. Count the flowers on the wallpaper. Drift off to sleep. Wake up when the nurse comes to turn off the monitor. Pee. Drink Water. Pray. Watch “Everybody Loves Raymond” in Spanish because I am that desperate for entertainment. Drink water. Shift. Stare at the clock. Daddy’s here with supper!!!! Pee. Sit up!! Eat yummy take-out. Lie down. Pee. Watch TV with Daddy. Shift. Pray. Watch Daddy make his fold out bed next to me like he does every night. Drink water. Take my Ambien. Pee. And fall into a peaceful sleep.  Every.  Day.

Ethan and Ella UltrasoundEvery few days I get a real treat. I get to have an ultrasound and see you. All day, every day I have my hands on my belly talking to you and singing to you. I love the opportunity to actually see your little fingers and toes. Sometimes I promise it is like you are looking right at me. I can’t wait to finally hold you in my arms. But for now, Mommy is doing her best to keep you in her belly as long as I can so you can be healthy when I get to hold you.

Every day = 4 less in the NICU.  Every day = 4 less in the NICU.

All my love,

Mommy

Thanksgiving in October

Posted in Infertility, inspiration, Steph, The Blessings, The Book by

Burlap BlessingsOur family starts celebrating Thanksgiving early….like in October 😉 As an infertile couple that have been blessed with three babies that celebrate October birthdays, we have A LOT to be thankful for.

My youngest, Matthew, celebrated his 7th bday on Monday. Next Saturday my twins, celebrate their 9th birthday. My pregnancy with the twins was high risk, with a lot of drama that ended with me going into labor at 21 weeks. I spent 11 weeks and 5 days on bed rest in the hospital before I gave birth.

Next week on my blog, I will share some of the letters that I wrote to my sweet babies as I anxiously awaited their arrival. On their birthday, October 17th, I will share an excerpt from my book “Full Heart Empty Womb: How I Survived Infertility … Twice” about their miraculous birth.

It was one of the most difficult times in my life, but God gave me the strength to be the Mama that He knew I would one day be. So much to be Thankful for!

Photo cred to my amazing sis and her business Burlap Blessings​ Check her out on Facebook!

That One Time When I Almost Lost it Over Rainbow Spaghetti…

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I now know what the term “Running on Empty” means.

That is what I felt on Monday afternoon sitting in my car waiting to pick up my kids from school. I had been running non-stop for a week. Fundraising. Fall Fest. Matthew’s 7th bday. Planning for a birthday party at my house for all three kids in less than a week. (Whose idiotic idea was that??) Preparing for a speech that I was going to give at a local MOPS group.

rainbow spaghettiI knew God had control of it all. However, my human nature was freaking out, and I knew that the Devil was ready to pounce. When I got home I really wanted nothing more than to lock myself in my room and just have a good old fashioned crying jag to rinse away all these negative thoughts in my head. There was no time on the schedule for that though. I had three kids to help with their homework. I also had a special dinner of “Rainbow Spaghetti” planned for my birthday boy. I kept praying to God to help me get control and not let Satan pull me down.

As I pulled into my house a flood of relief washed over me when I saw my husband’s big, black truck parked in the drive. He never gets home until right before the kids go to bed. The kids were out of their minds with excitement to see him home. He is like a Rock Star every time he walks in the house… “Daddy!! Daddy!!” they always chant while pulling at his pant legs 😉 I was so happy to see him that I didn’t even feel slighted that I never get that kind of a reception.

After the Daddy Love pep rally, I immediately started with homework and dinner. I started water to boil on every one of my stove’s burners to make the special Rainbow Spaghetti. I was getting all my ingredients out while simultaneously giving my first of three spelling quizzes when I felt a hand on the small of my back. “Sweetheart, let me take over. Go take a break.”

Wow. Just wow. If I were not already completely over the moon in love with my insanely wonderful husband, this would have pushed me over the edge. And God. Just God. Talk about ask and you shall receive! That simple gesture was all I need to get me grounded and focused again. He heard my prayer and answered immediately. God’s got this.

The next morning I had a nice, long prayer during my morning run. I praised God for blessing me with such a caring husband. I thanked Him for inspiring Eric to take a load off my shoulders. He had a very long day and I am sure he would have loved nothing more than to sit in his recliner with Sports Center.

In a still, small voice I heard God say to me, “Stephanie, that is what you do for him every day. Of course he wants a chance to take a load off your shoulders.”

How amazing is that? God not only met my immediate need by providing some extra help when I needed it, but He also encouraged me as a mother. He reminded me how important my role is to my husband. Eric works tremendously hard be the strong leader and provide for our family. My cleaning the house, doing the laundry, preparing the meals, and all the gazillion other little things I do are things that he never has to worry about because I take them off his plate daily.

Thanks God for the answered prayer and Mama Pep Talk!

“I’m Gonna Need You To STEP AWAY from Pinterest” – God

Posted in inspiration, Pinterest Projects, Steph by

Southern Lady-2

I got this little note from God last night. I was trolling Pinterest for decorations for my kids’ birthday party this weekend. I was literally having heart palpitations trying to figure out how I could make all these stinkin, cute decorations while juggling everything else on my plate.

“Steph, I’m gonna need you to step away from Pinterest. Now. Nope. Don’t pin that. SHUT IT DOWN.”

So I did. Instead I went to Party City this morning and dropped some change on some kinda cute, definitely tacky decorations. (The tackier the better to 7 & 9 year olds, right?)

And my kids probably won’t even realize that we even had decorations at all. They will, however, enjoy a mama who is able to sit on the couch and just snuggle. A mama who isn’t snapping at them because she has over scheduled herself.

Thanks God for letting me off the hook 🙂

A Miracle High

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Life can be a series of highs and lows.  My life has certainly been a testament to that.  Met and married my wonderful husband Eric – High.  Tried to conceive for a couple of years, failed fertility treatments, surgery – Low.  Successfully got pregnant through IVF – HUGE High!  High risk pregnancy that left me on bed rest for what felt like most of my pregnancy – Low.  Delivering premature but healthy twins – High/Low.  Five weeks and one day of being separated from them in the NICU – Low.

I could go on and on.  I want to share with you one of my favorite Highs.  He is my little Miracle High.  Eric and I were told that there was absolutely no way that we could conceive naturally.  For that reason we went through IVF to conceive Ethan and Ella.  I have no doubt that it was, indeed, a fact.  As I said this is a Miracle High.

January 2008

I woke up just like the day before. I had no idea that this morning would change all of our lives so much! Eric was getting ready for work and I was lying in bed watching Sports Center (his choice, not mine). I remembered that I needed to call in a prescription that day. Before I could get it, I had to take a pregnancy test.  My cycle was running way too long and I needed to get on progesterone to get me back on track.  I always thought this was a funny thing for me, of all people, to have to do.  I mean, we know I can’t get pregnant.  On top of that, I went back on birth control after I had Ethan and Ella.  I was simply taking it for convenience sake. Eric and I often laughed about what money we wasted on all those birth control pills early in our marriage.  So off I went to pee on my little stick. I unloaded the dishwasher, sat down, and watched TV for a minute. Should I get the kids up? Oh no wait…better go check the test and get that out of the way.

I walked into the guest bath and looked at the test on the sink. Double take…were those TWO lines? Huh? I must be seeing things. I heard Eric say something so I threw the hand towel over the test and jumped back in bed. Eric said, “Why do you look so weird?” I was still in shock so I said, “Just tired.” He went back to the closet to finish getting dressed and I ran back to the bathroom for a second look. Yes. Definitely two lines. How did this happen??? I mean I know how it happens for most, but not us! We were told that we couldn’t get pregnant on our own. Holy cow. Eric’s birthday was the next day. Boy, could I have fun with this!!! I ran upstairs to get the babies up and whispered my secret in their tiny ears.  I was pretty sure they smiled.

Thankfully Eric left shortly after that. I am told later that I am in MAJOR trouble for letting him go to work because he would have called in sick. Whoops. I quickly called my mom, my sister, and Kristen. Kristen, my personal OB nurse, reassured me that the home tests are pretty accurate. Even so, I had my mom come over so I could get an official blood test at the doctor’s office. I still didn’t believe it. I went and looked at the home test again.  Still two lines!  When I called Dr. Blake’s office to get the test they acted like I was crazy. “Mrs. Greer, we usually don’t do blood tests if you have a positive home test.” I replied, “I know, but I don’t believe it. When can I come in?” I went in immediately, got my blood drawn, and paid to have the results to me stat.

I cried and prayed on the whole way home from the doctor’s office. I was smiling ear to ear and laughing as I praised God. I am sure anyone who passed by me on the road thought I was crazy. And I was. Crazy happy. I couldn’t believe God’s blessing on us. How could this be? It took so much for us to get pregnant with Ethan and Ella. Nothing had changed with us. We were still infertile. I mean, I was on BIRTH CONTROL too! This was really a miracle straight from above.

All day I avoided calls from Eric and his sister, Amy. How in the world could I play this one off? I couldn’t even sit down I was so excited! I finally got the “official positive” test results from the doctor. Hallelujah! Praise God!! I checked the home test one more time and finally threw it in the trash.

Now how in the world would I give Eric the total shock of his lifetime??? The way we found out we were pregnant with Ethan and Ella was so impersonal.  We called into a voicemail box and listened to a stranger tell us the good news.  Not that we minded one bit.  We were finally pregnant!!

Big Brother and Big SisterI decided I would get the kids Big Brother and Big Sister t-shirts, take their pictures in it, frame it, and give it to Eric for his birthday. Well I am not sure how many of you have tried to get a 16-month old kid to stand still so you can get a good picture of him.  Now throw in a second child.  It isn’t possible. Just take it from me. So I decided the next best thing was to just wrap up the shirts and let Eric open those.

We waited on pins and needles until Eric got home. Of course since we were anxiously awaiting him, he didn’t get home until after 7. After the kids’ bath, Eric read them a story, and then they just had to give their Daddy an early birthday present.

I turned the camera off right after I told him so we could all snuggles.  There were lots of happy tears  all around.  I was told later that Eric was thinking “Why in the world did she give me some shirts for the kids for my birthday?” Apparently what I thought was pretty plain isn’t plain to a man.

Am I Worthy of Redeeming Love?

Posted in Infertility, inspiration, SLM - The Collective, Steph, The Book by

Am I Worthy of Redeeming LoveA woman in her 30s that battled infertility for years who cried herself to sleep wondering if she would ever have a baby in her womb. 

A girl of barely 20, unmarried and pregnant who cried herself to sleep wondering how she could care for the baby growing in her womb.

Two strong women and one unlikely friendship.  

But God…God knew that these two women from opposite sides of the motherhood journey could grow to be close friends and gain a wealth of compassion.

I am so honored to have my friend, Courtney, guest post for me today.  I met Courtney a few years ago when I was a preschool teacher.  We started at the preschool at the same time.  She is such a sweet girl with a beautiful heart, and we became fast friends in spite of our 15-year age difference.  I about died when I found out that I was starting my freshmen year of college when she was starting kindergarten.  Talk about feeling old!!

By the time I met Courtney, God had blessed me with children, but I was getting ready to go through IVF again with my totsicles.  I am so blessed that Courtney was brought into my life for a fresh reminder that every single life that God conceives is an absolute blessing.  Whether it is planned, unplanned, or through fertility treatments.  Every.  One.  When I was in the thick of the infertility struggle hearing about an unplanned pregnancy was devastating to me.  Now I have the benefit of Courtney’s friendship and my 20/20 rearview mirror clarity to have a clearer perspective on God’s plan.  God’s plan is always perfect even if it “messes up” our plan…

Every mother has the day she found out she was pregnant etched into her memory. Some, like Steph, had a hard, long journey to get there. I’m sure that day she, as well as many others, felt joy, excitement, and pure happiness. I can only imagine that she felt some type of redemption. This one test was her redemption that made every single obstacle worth it.

My story of redemption began the day I found out I was going to be a mom. The day that I found out I was going to be a mom was an incredibly hard day. It breaks my heart to say joy, excitement and happiness were not any of the emotions I felt at the time. I was barely twenty, had an incredibly rough past and wanted a new start that year. Charlie, my now husband, and I both sobbed while holding the “positive” test in our hands. I’m not exaggerating when I say I took eight of them before I actually believed I was indeed pregnant. We were devastated, scared and simply broken. In the whirlwind of emotions that we were experiencing, not a single one of them was joy.

Although Charlie and I knew long before this pregnancy test that we were going to get married one day, getting pregnant now, was not a part of our plan. We saw our future together from the beginning, but we had so many things we wanted to do. I lined up a new summer job, and an amazing mission trip opportunity to finally go to Africa was in the works. My heart was in Africa, I felt so called to the orphans and babies there, I wanted to be Jesus to them. I wanted to love on some babies, not have one of my own! Yes, it is possible to be a follower of Christ and still mess up. I missed the mark big this time…but God.

You see in the midst of the hurt, in the midst of telling our parents and fearing the wrath of God through them God gave us such grace. Our parents gave us such grace. Was there disappointment? Did it hurt more than words to tell my parents that their first grandbaby wasn’t conceived in wedlock? Was I tormented with the shame every time I saw someone that found out? Yes, yes and yes! I lived in Small Town, USA and everyone knew everyone and everyone’s personal business. I knew it wouldn’t be long before people figured out why we got engaged so quickly and why we planned a wedding so fast.

Charlie and I didn’t get married because I was pregnant. I loved him with all of my heart, and I knew this was the man God had for me to marry. This pregnancy just sped up the timeline. Did I have the wedding of my dreams? Nope. I certainly didn’t feel worthy of wearing white or worthy of my dad walking me down the aisle, but that didn’t stop him. That my friends, is unconditional love. That is redeeming love. The kind that draws a dad, who isn’t one to stand out in front of a crowd, to stop in the middle of a choir special in a Southern Baptist church and walk off stage in front of 500 people. He walked down the middle aisle to sit with his broken baby girl who was alone and broken. The fear that he faced didn’t stop him from holding on to me as I sobbed while they finished singing “Through the Fire.” He refused to let me be alone in my own brokenness. The whispers of everyone in the room wondering what was going on or the ones who knew and looked at us with such judgment, they were not stopping my dad from getting to me. I dare say that’s the kind of love that Jesus has for us.

I fought with depression during the pregnancy and after my sweet Anna Claire was born…But God.  Even though there was so much hurt and brokenness that took a great deal of time to heal, I never looked at her as a mistake. I never blamed her. I never felt like she wrecked my dreams. Jesus was there through it all; he never left me. He never left us. Our plans were derailed, but God took our brokenness and began shaping way more than we could imagine. Our precious Anna Claire was a living, breathing version of God’s redeeming love. True beauty from our ashes. The second year of marriage brought another positive pregnancy test, and another round of hurting, anxiety and fear. This time the process wasn’t as hard to swallow, but we had no idea how the heck we were going to afford another baby. We were barely doing it then…but God. He never left us.

Honestly, I wondered if I would ever be able to have joy finding out I was pregnant. I met Stephanie at our preschool, and I was blown away by her juggling 3 kids and working part time. I was struggling with a 2 year old and being pregnant again. I only spent a few days in the classroom with her, but I loved every moment. I felt so much compassion from her every time I nearly broke down talking about our situation. She even recommended I read one of the best books I’ve ever had my hands on, Unglued by Lisa Terkhuerst. God used her and that book to speak volumes. I didn’t know about her infertility struggles right off the bat, but once I did I felt the surge of guilt all over again. My own insecurities ruled my heart instead of God’s redeeming love.

The next school year God placed Anna Claire in Stephanie’s class. I wasn’t returning because over the summer I had my spunky Cailey and was on maternity leave. I had no idea that Steph was going through her final battle of infertility while Anna Claire was in her class. I only knew that once again I was fighting some major demons of Postpartum Depression. I had nothing in me to love on my girls or anyone around me. I felt so alone, empty, and worthless. I didn’t speak a word of this to a soul. All I knew is that every Tuesday and Thursday Anna Claire would light up to see Ms. Stephanie, and her love radiated from her every single time. Even though I didn’t realize it, God was using Anna Claire to love Ms. Stephanie unconditionally while she was fighting for her own baby. God broke down some major walls Stephanie and I built up. They all came down with redeeming love, long before we even realized it.

Courtney & Charlie :)

Courtney & Charlie 🙂

My Anna Claire is almost five now, Cailey is 2, and Stephanie loves on them every time she gets a chance. I never planned to have baby at 20, or at 23 but God’s plan is always better than we could even imagine. Charlie and I have been married for over 5 years now and can say that we are more in love and in tune with God than ever before. All because of redeeming love.

How can you allow God to use redeeming love to break down some walls in your own heart? My hope is that one day I will be able to look down at a pregnancy test and see a positive and feel never ending, undeniable JOY. I have no doubt that one day redeeming love will win, and I won’t have any negative or shameful emotions.

How You Can Kick MOMMY GUILT For Good!

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How to Kick Mommy Guilt“Be joyful always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16 – 18

You remember the old song… “I’ve got the Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy Down in my Heart. Where? Down in my Heart. Where? Down in my Heart.”

Be joyful always, 1 Thessalonias tell us. Was this directed to a mother of three?? Well if that isn’t a tall order, I don’t know what is!!

Several years ago we used to call the hours from 5 – 7 pm the witching hours in our house. It started when my youngest son, Matthew, had colic and he would WAIL constantly for hours upon hours each night. Now it is because Mommy straight up turns into a witch. It is the last few hours of my day and I am running on fumes…which is incredibly cruel because it is when I have the most to do and the least amount of energy to do it. My sweet little cherub children decide that their good behavior quota has been all used up at school. It starts with what my husband, Eric, calls my “crazy eyes.” If they are smart, they catch my crazy eyes and immediately retreat to their rooms. If not…and let’s be honest, they rarely do because they were too busy being crazy … if not, I quiet literally blow my top. And I realize that is completely hypocritical to be screaming at them to quit yelling! I am most certainly not full of Joy. Almost immediately a cloud of shame engulfs me.

We’ve all had it. It is a natural byproduct of becoming a mother. Kind of like stretch marks. Mommy Guilt. It can stick around and be just as permanent and shaming as those old stretch marks. Whether it is because we lose our cool with our kids or we feel guilty because we can’t go on their school field trip. Maybe we spend too much time trolling on Pinterest. Why can’t I transform my backyard into Arendelle for Ella’s Frozen party?? Oh look at these fun, nutritious lunch boxes! I totally should be making animals out of the 100% organic lunch so that my kids will have FUN eating their healthy, non-prepackaged lunch!

We can blame it on Pinterest, social media or society in general. That may be how it reaches us, but in reality, Satan is the author of Mommy Guilt. He has made it his mission to rob mothers of the JOY that God blesses us with in motherhood. He is a sneaky little devil. He makes us beat ourselves up for impossibly high standards that we set upon ourselves.   I don’t know a single perfect mother, yet I often beat myself up for not being one.

Well, when I was looking up the exact lyrics to “I’ve Got Joy in My Heart” on the internet, I found another verse. “If the Devil doesn’t like it then he can sit on a tack. Ouch. Sit on a tack. Ouch. Sit on a tack.” Pretty feisty, but I love it! Why do I give Satan that kind of a foothold in my life? When I think about it that way, it makes me adamant to not let him take one second of my God given Joy of motherhood. Does that give me a free pass to turn into the Wicked Witch of the West every night? Absolutely not. But it does allow me to forgive myself for my shortcomings. Then it gives me an opportunity to apologize to my children and teach about forgiveness.

I am slowly learning to embrace what talents God has blessed me with and to not sweat the areas where I am lacking. The fact that I had no less than five people contact me about my go to meal – Kraft Macaroni and Cheese – changing their recipe may be an indication that I am lacking in the cooking department. And you know what? That is OK! I make sure that my kids get the nutrition that they need aside from the cheese powder! I am not going to spend time beating myself up because I am not the Pioneer Woman. Besides think of it this way – I am giving my children wonderful ammo to torture me with at the dinner table when they reminisce about their childhood. Those are the times that my family laughs the hardest at the holidays J

Instead, I will pray without ceasing. Some days it will be filled with thanksgiving for the blessing that God has given me. Some days it will be to just have enough patience to make it to bedtime. If I keep my eyes on Him as I parent the children that God blessed me with, then I will have JOY in my heart.