Tag Archives: Infertility

How Labor Day is Quickly Becoming My FAV Holiday

Posted in Infertility, Steph by

Labor Day Weekend Plans:How Labor Day is quickly becoming my Fav Holiday

Sleeping in.                                       Check!

Grillin out.                                         Check!

Tailgating like a boss.                       Check!

Cheering for my team.                      Check!

And last but not least…

Packing up the swimsuits                Big CHECK!!!

I am OVER the hot weather, the pool and definitely, putting on a swimsuit. Give me sweaters, jeans and boots.

Yesterday at the football game I polished off a little of everything at our tailgate. I even finished Matthew’s hotdog after he took one bite and declared he was done. I did this all guilt free because there is ZERO chance that Steph is going to see a swimsuit until next May. Holla!!! As long as I can still zip my jeans on Monday, I am golden.

Honestly, how many women can say that they just love the way that they look in a swimsuit?? If you can…seriously, awesome for you! Over the last ten years, my body has literally been through hell and back. Years of fertility treatments, shots, surgeries and being restricted from any kind of exercise are not kind to your body. When I finally got pregnant with twins, I was in the hospital on bed rest for 11 weeks. That is 77 days of laying down.

My family and friends always visited me bearing edible gifts, so I would be spared one hospital meal. I ate every single bit with a smile. I was eating for three, right?   And some days, Arby’s curly fries were the highlight of my very boring day.   No exaggeration.

One day late in my pregnancy, the cleaning lady came in to mop my room. We had become friends during my stay, and I looked forward to her coming. I had been crying a little bit and was embarrassed. There was no such thing as privacy when you lived in a hospital. I quickly wiped my tears so that she wouldn’t feel uncomfortable. I painted on my happy face ready to shoot the breeze as she mopped away.

I leaned over to grab my water off the table as we were chatting away and my shirt came up a little bit. She said, “Shooey Girl! I didn’t realize you had all those stretch marks on your hips!” I was no longer concerned with making her uncomfortable, and I just let the tears roll.

The SLM & HusbandFast forward several years and another pregnancy later, I was sitting in my nice “slimming” tankini with my husband, Eric, at the beach. Since I had Matthew almost seven years ago, I have become very good about exercising regularly. Unfortunately, that does nothing to erase my stretch marks on my hips. My tankini hid some of my “wobbly bits, “ but there was no hiding all of the stretch marks. After a few minutes of people watching, I pointed out to Eric that every single lady that passed by was wearing a bikini. Some rocked it and some thought they did. And some just didn’t care; they were at the beach! The only lady that was wearing a swimsuit close to mine was 30 years my senior. I turned to Eric and said, “Next summer I will either be in a bikini or a maternity swim suit.” (We were in the middle of fertility treatments with our frozen embryos.)

After we had our last failed Frozen Embryo Transfer and we made it through the chaos of the holidays, I got serious about reclaiming my body. I exercised and I watched what I ate. (Then I decided I liked to eat too much, so I compromised by eating a few more salads and exercising a little more!) As we got closer to summer, I spent way too much money on two bikinis that were supposed to be just perfect for my body type. I sat out in my backyard wearing them to get a little color…because who doesn’t feel better with a little color??

When I took my kids to the pool for the first time last summer it required a pretty big pep talk to myself. I felt pretty good, but I was still self-conscious. It didn’t matter if I had lost weight and got in shape. I still had these stretch marks on my hips. They had faded but they may as well have been bright red in my mind.   I put off taking off my cover up as long as I could. And dang it if a kid didn’t ask me to take them to the potty as soon as I disrobed! Now I had to walk across the whole pool deck in a bikini to take their little booties to pee.

My sweet little Matthew would tell me every now and again how beautiful he thought I was. Then he would laugh because my “belly button would kinda dance” when I walked. It was such a good reminder. My babies thought I was pretty and most importantly, Eric, thought I was perfect the way I was. That was all in the world that mattered.

I finally have gotten to a very comfortable place in my life and it took a very uncomfortable piece of clothing to help get me there. I am going to be healthy. I am going to eat healthy so that I have the energy I need to take care of my family and myself. I am not going to cut out all the fun stuff because life is too short to not have Arby’s curly fries. I am going to exercise, so I can be physically fit. I may not have a six-pack, but I can play kickball with my kids and not collapse 😉

I will never be in the same place that I was ten years ago. Thank God for that. Today I am stronger mentally, spiritually and physically. And I will never be a size 0 again. I will gladly leave that size to the teenagers of the world. I am a gladiator Mama with the stretch marks to prove it.

All that being said, am I pumped to not wear a swimsuit the next several months?

Hell to the YES.

My Last Kindergartener

Posted in Infertility, inspiration, The Blessings by

My Last KindergartenerI always have such mixed feelings as summer is coming to an end. Sadness because I spend all day with my three precious kids. Happiness because I spend ALL day with my three precious kids. 😉

Let’s get Real. We need a little absence to make the heart go fonder in the Greer house.

And that is for all of us. The kids came with me to help volunteer at the school this week and they were in Heaven. They were thrilled to be back at their school and get to see some of their friends. The moms worked hard, and the kids played hard. For them, it was like The Breakfast Club minus the weed, and I am pretty sure no one crawled in the air conditioning vents 😉 They cannot wait to get back to school.

As I think back to last year when my youngest, Matthew, was getting ready to enter Kindergarten, I was full of anxiety. My last baby was growing up. And I wasn’t ready to let go or move to the next season in life. A life where all my kids were in school all week. A life where I don’t have my little guy to snuggle on a Monday morning. A life where the teachers get their best, and I get their leftovers at the end of the day.

Below is my very first blog post that I published on my previous blog. I share it again to encourage those who going through a change in season now. It is incredibly tough. However, once you get used to your season, you will find the blessings in it.

August 2014 

I love living in Tennessee. I love the mountains. I love the valleys. I love the lakes. Of course I love the football. I love enjoying four glorious seasons each year. I love feeling the changes in seasons. I love to feel the warm sunshine on my face after a long, cold winter. My favorite smell is the crisp fall air after a sweltering summer.

In life we go through a lot of seasons. The change in seasons in life isn’t always as pleasant. This week I had a change in seasons. The last eight years my season has been one of a mother who spent the majority of her day caring for and nurturing my three children. This week, my youngest son, Matthew, started Kindergarten. Sure my primary role will still be their caregiver. However, the majority of our days we will be apart.

Last year when I thought about the day Matthew started Kindergarten, I wondered if I would be walking him in with his new baby sister or brother or would I need a double stroller for twins. Today I walked my baby….my last baby….into Kindergarten and walked out alone. The season of having my babies home with me is over. There is no sunshine on my face or crisp smell that cheers me up. I am sad and quite honestly lonely.

I have a choice I can make.   I can refuse to leave this season and take things into my own hands. I could go through IVF again and possibly get pregnant again. Or, there are lots of babies that need a good home. Maybe I could adopt? But let’s be honest. That baby would grow up and go to Kindergarten and this season would finally end. If I could have my way, I would probably have a baby every five years until Eric finally cut me off!

I could just be bitter about it. I could be angry. I could cry. A lot. Why won’t God let me have the children I thought I would? I had four embryos. Couldn’t one of them have worked? Why did He take away any remote chance for me to able to conceive when I had my surgery last year?

I have a confession to make. I flirted with the first choice. I camped out on the second choice for a good while too. Then, when I finished shaking my fist and yelling at God, I took a breath and I listened to God. The change in seasons in life can be tough. Sometimes down right scary. We can refuse to accept it. We can be pissed off about it. But here’s the deal, IT DOESN’T CHANGE A THING.

Here is the choice that I made. I chose to focus on the three beautiful, healthy children that God blessed me with. I chose to be thankful for the amazing supportive husband that is in my life and make up for all the romance that infertility stole from our marriage. I chose to continue to teach in a preschool so that I can share the abundant love that I have for children. I chose to share my story…no matter how hard or private…because I know that there are women who are suffering alone. I chose to praise God for the blessings and heartache. The heartache helps me to remember to focus on all of the blessings that I do have. The heartache helps me relate to other people. The heartache makes me stronger, so I can weather the next season.

Since I made that choice, I haven’t looked back. Today I am getting ready to send two third graders and a first grader to school. Would I turn back seasons if it meant I could have another child? Honestly, probably. But God has different plans for me and His plans are perfect.

During the first week of school last year, the days were soooo long. I would look at the clock and think, “How is it possible it has only be 5 minutes! 3:35 is forever away!”

Now I feel like time races by. I drop the kids off and it is like the theme from “24” is playing in my head. It is my to-do list and me against the clock. Can I get it all done before 3:35? Sure I miss having them with me during the day, and I can’t wait to hug their necks and kiss their heads when I pick them up.

I have been able to make the acquaintance of another person to help me pass the days. Her name is Stephanie Greer. I lost sight of who I was apart from my three precious kids. I am enjoying rediscovering myself and what God’s perfect plans are for me.

Embrace this chance to rediscover yourself too.

Publisher Update

Posted in Infertility, inspiration, Steph by

Business Cards – Check

One Sheet – Check

Book Proposal – Check (all 31 pages!!)

Elevator Speech – Check (and practiced at nauseam)

Getting ready for the She Speaks conference was a lot of work!  When I signed up to go the Christian speaking and writing conference, I was able to also sign up to meet with prospective publishers.  This was like a dream for me!

I self published “Full Heart Empty Womb: How I Survived Infertility…Twice” in December.  I have never regretted doing that.  It was the clear path that God led me to take.  I think if I had pursued the traditional publishing route, I would have been overwhelmed with anxiety.  Will they reject my book?  What if they say my writing isn’t good enough?  And not just anxiety about the publishers.  What will my friends think?  Will they judge me for sharing my intimate struggles?  Instead I decided to put my nose to the grindstone and just write as God inspired me.

And God has blessed our journey together.  I have been able to comfort a lot of women.  I have become friends with complete strangers because we have shared the intimate struggle of Infertility.  It is such a blessing that a time of pain has been turned into loving ministry for me.  Everything I have been through could be to help just one person.  That is how vast God’s loves is.  Sharing my journey helped her realized that she wasn’t alone in her pain.  Sharing my pain restored her peace.

I went to get my make-up done in preparation for the conference because what better excuse??  As I was talking to the sweet lady who was helping me, she asked me what I did for a living.  That is always a tricky question for me.  I still kind of giggle when I say “A Writer.”  Why?  I don’t know.  I wrote and published a book.  I write in a blog.  It’s in my FB profile.  I mean I have business cards for Pete’s Sake!!  What more does it take to be an official writer??  😉

Any who – – just telling her that opened a door because she asked about my book.  Now the reaction I get when I tell people the name of my book is always interesting.  Men.  Completely shut down.  I might as well have said “vagina” (except I don’t even say that word.  I even giggled when I typed it.)  Women usually immediately tell me about someone they know who are infertile.  (Hello!  Validation that there is a felt need for this book!)  In this case, she told me about a co-worker who had just tragically had a late term miscarriage.  She wanted to say something to her and didn’t have a clue what to say.  I was able to talk to her about how to comfort her.  God loves those ladies so much that everything I have been through and written could have just been for them.  How AWESOME is that?  I am at complete peace with being part of that Love.

All that being said, if I had a chance to spread that Love further, would I?  Oh yea.  So I signed up to meet with publishers at She Speaks.  My first appointment was at the end of the day on Friday.  I sat in awesome training sessions all day and miraculously was able to concentrate in each one!  About ten minutes before my first interview, I snuck out to go pray and collect my nerves.  I sat in the hallway with my lucky charm my BFF, Jodi, gave me before I left.  I am not a believer in lucky charms, but the weight of it in my hand reminded me that I wasn’t alone.  I stared off in the distance and prayed.  A kind stranger saw me and came up to see if I was okay.  Her name was Debbie.  When I told her I was getting ready for a publisher appointment, she immediately asked if she could pray with me.  I sat in the middle of the hallway, hands clutched with a complete stranger, grateful tears streaming down my face, as Debbie said a heartfelt prayer on my behalf.  After a quick hug of appreciation, I dashed to clean up my mascara before my interview.

And it went AWESOME.  My first interview was also with my first choice of publishers.  She listened as I gave my spiel and asked a lot of questions.  In the end, she said I had a definite Felt Need (YES!!!), a great story, (YES!!), need to get a literary agent (On it!!) and need to continue to build my platform (that would be where YOU help by liking and sharing my blog & FB page ;).  I was so encouraged!  I honestly had no clue what would happen, and this was the best case scenario.  OH YEA!

I have learned that this is a long process.  Although this was a huge accomplishment for me, it is merely one step in a long process, and I probably won’t hear anything for several months.  But it is one step further.  My next interview went well too.  I walked into the room and instantly knew I was meeting with a matriarch of the publishing industry.  She was kind and thorough with her questions.  In the end, she told me that she only publishes ten books a year and that mine was too much of a niche market.  I thought that was fair and told her so.  However, she expressed to me that she felt strongly that I should get an agent and there definitely was a publisher out there for me.  She continued to share some much needed industry insight the rest of our time together.

I left the conference feeling reenergized and confirmed.  I am continually praying for God to direct my path for His will.

And I think I got a pretty big arrow about what way to go.

“Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways.”  Proverbs 2:26

How Can Little Ole Me Make a Difference?

Posted in Infertility, inspiration, Kids Wisdom, Matthewism, Steph, The Book by

Baltimore…Chattanooga… And Now Layfayette.

I am not gonna lie, there are times when I shake my head and think, “What is this world coming to? Sweet Jesus, please just come take us home now.”

It can be so overwhelming because there is so much hurt and need in this world. Senseless Violence. Sex trafficking. Domestic Abuse. Cancer. Racism.

How can little old me make a difference?When you wanna throw your hands up, you gotta bow your head down.

What kind of an attitude is that to have? Talk about being a defeatist. That is not Stephanie Greer. And that is not what I am raising my three kids to be. No. Siree. Bob.

When you wanna throw your hands up, you gotta bow your head down. I can’t make a difference everywhere there is a need, but I can where God lays my heart.

One of my favorite songs is by Matthew West, “Do Something.” I cannot hear it without being inspired and tearing up. Every dang time.

“I woke up this morning

Saw a world full of trouble no

Thought, how’d we ever get so far down

How’s it ever gonna turn around

So I turned my eyes to Heaven

I thought, “God, why don’t You do something?”

Well, I just couldn’t bear the thought of

People living in poverty

Children sold into slavery

The thought disgusted me

So, I shook my fist at Heaven

Said, “God, why don’t You do something?”

He said, “I did, I created you”

Songwriter

WEST, MATTHEW

Published by

Lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.

That’s right. He created you. He created me. And He wants me to Do Something.

Well last weekend I did something. I did something BIG. This little stay at home mom packed up and flew to Charlotte. Yes, I was the annoying person in the airport security line. Do I take my shoes off or not? Do I take my laptop out? What about my jewelry?? Because I was fancy…because I was traveling…without kids!! Cool people who travel all the time, have a little heart for those of us who fly once a year if they are lucky 😉

I traveled to Charlotte for a HUGE conference for writing and speaking. It was called She Speaks, and it produced by Proverbs 31 ministries. It was AWESOME.

I humbly sat in a room filled with eight HUNDRED women who were ready to do something. This team of sixty or so women from Proverbs 31 trained and armed us to go out to our mission fields and do something.

I met women whose ministry was to help end sex trafficking. Women who empowered women to break free from abusive relationships. Women who clothed cancer survivors in dignity. Women who worked with organizations to rescue people from extremely dangerous situations. Women who were bridging the gap between races.

And then there was little old me. A woman whose ministry is to love on mamas and sweet ladies who hope and pray to someday be a mama. How blessed am I to be called to do this?

God lays on our hearts a little piece of His kingdom that He wants us wrap up in our arms and love. We can’t do it all, but we can do something.  Whether it is volunteering your time, giving your hard earned money, or starting a ministry, you can make a difference.

Every night after dinner, my family and I take our dog, Lady, for a walk. We walk around the neighborhood and talk about our days, tell jokes, and are often quizzed about anything and everything. One night our six year old, Matthew, and I were walking hand in hand. As usual, he was quizzing me. Sometimes it is about things he learned in Kindergarten and sometimes it is about deep things. I often struggle to answer both!  I can’t remember all the word blend rules dang it!! “Mommy. Can you do nothing?” he asked. After a long, long day, I laughed and said, “Matthew, I could easily do nothing tonight!” He quickly corrected me and said, “No you couldn’t. Even if you were laying down you would be doing something.” “I suppose you are right, Matthew!” I agreed. Then he continued, “You see, God made us so that we had to be doing something all the time. So if you have to do something, then you better make it SOMETHING.”  He wiggled his eyes for emphasis 🙂

Maybe you are in a season in your life where your mission field is at home with your babies. There is no better place for a mama to spread her love. You are raising children that are going to grow up and do something. Maybe you are like me and all your babies are in school now. Now I have the luxury and a little extra time to focus on where I am called to serve. Maybe you know you want to do something, but you don’t even know where to begin! Where are your passions?  All you gotta do is pray about it, and God will make it clear.

Come on, girls. Let’s do something.

The Skinny….The Down Low….The 411

Posted in Infertility, Steph, The Book by

The Skinny, The Down Low, The 411A year ago the extent of my writing was a grocery list and a FB post.  What a difference a year makes.  It occurred to me that I have finally burst out of my tiny bubble and that people are following my blog that aren’t even related to me 😉

I thought I would play a little catch up.  I started this blog at the end of May.  It has been so much fun to write and I am thrilled that it is resonating with so many people.

I actually only started seriously writing about a year ago.  I was inspired to write a book about my journey through Infertility.  I went through a particularly difficult year in 2013 filled with unsuccessful fertility treatments and a lot of tears.  I felt so alone and misunderstood.  And that is crazy because one out of EIGHT couples struggle with Infertility.

But no one talks about it.

Except me.  God divinely reached into my little brain and pulled out that filter.

So that was that.  I decided to write a book, tell my story, and share how I survived through it all.  In December 2014, I self-published “Full Heart Empty Womb: How I Survived Infertility … Twice”  After, I took a deep breath, enjoyed the holidays with my family, then jumped into the second part of my journey after the new year.  And boy did I underestimate what an undertaking that would be.  I had to focus on promoting my book…promoting me.  This was wayyyy out of my comfort zone.  This is the girl who never even sends out Friend Requests on FB because I am scared of rejection 😉

I have had some ups and downs.  Just when I was overwhelmed and at my lowest, God gave me the She Speaks Email
encouragement I needed to keep going.  He has plans for me.  One night in February, I was having one of my typical insomniac nights.  Up thinking, worrying, and stressing about everything out of my control.  How can I reach more people?  This is too much for me to do on my own!!  I finally got out of bed and went to my office.  As soon as I pulled up my email, I found an email that reminded me that I am not doing any of this on my own.  God is here guiding me every step of the way.  It was an email from Proverbs 31 Ministries and the subject line was “You’re called to speak or write.  Now What?”  Well, yes.  Yes I am!  Then when I opened the email, it said, “Do you ever feel alone in your calling as a Speaker, Writer, or Leader?”  I mean….HELL-LO!  Talk about a direct encouragement from above exactly when I needed it!  Even at 2:20 a.m.!!

I waited a respectable amount of time….well until 5:30…and woke up Eric to talk about me going to the She Speaks conference this Summer.  I had a whole speech prepared about how it would be beneficial  for me and my book.  I didn’t even get to my second bullet point before Eric was telling me to register.  How grateful am I that I have such a supportive husband??!!

So here we are six months later and I am leaving for She Speaks this Thursday.  And I am SUPER PUMPED.  Not only am I going to go to sessions to help me improve my writing, but I also have appointments with two major publishing houses about publishing my book.  I am glad I self-published because, honestly, I think I would have lost my nerve if I hadn’t just pushed through all the way to completion.  However, I would love the opportunity to publish on a wider scale so I can reach more people.

Regardless the outcome, I am thankful.  I have been praying about this so much and I know that it is all in God’s hands.  Hopefully, my book will be picked up, improved upon, and I will be able to help a lot more women.  If not, I am satisfied with knowing that I have helped a lot of women already because I wasn’t afraid to tell my story.

Pretty sweet situation to be in.

I am ready to head to She Speaks with my 31 page book proposal (gasp!), business cards (just hysterical), a lot of prayers (hint hint), and confidence that God will do His thing (no matter what it is).

And, of course, my Mema’s pearls to wear in my interviews.  (And I think Mema is looking down from Heaven and is smiling).

My Epilogue

Posted in Infertility, inspiration, Steph by

My Epilogue - SLM

I absolutely love to read. My favorite thing in the whole world is my precious Kindle. It is loaded with hundreds of books that I use to escape for just a little while every night before bed.

I fell out of the habit of reading for pleasure when I was in college. I rediscovered it after I had my youngest child, Matthew. All of my friends were talking about this book about a couple and the boy was a vampire. (hey – no judgment!! You know you read it too!) Anyway I admit it. I read it and every other one in the saga within a month. Every three hours I would disappear in my room with Baby Matthew to nurse and read. Matthew gained about 5 pounds that month 😉

I have moved on from teenage vampires, but I do still enjoy a good love story.   And I don’t have a nursing baby to use as an excuse to have a quiet time to read. However, I do read for about an hour every night before bed. It is part of my Steph Time. Time just for me. 

This Spring I discovered a new author at the recommendation of my friend, Tara. It is an Austrailian author named, Liane Moriarty. Her first book that I read was The Husband’s Secret. There are a lot of things I like about it. It is told from different points of view. There are a few different story lines that run parallel and you aren’t quite sure how or when they will intersect. It is also so witty and will make you laugh…and even cry much to my chagrin.

But the thing I love the most of the book is the way it ends. Don’t worry I am not going to give anything away! It truly is one of my favorite Epilogues I have ever read. Instead of wrapping everything up real quick in a red bow with a wedding and/or a child born, it starts like this…. 

“There are so many secrets of our lives we’ll never know.”

Moriarty then proceeds to go through each of the characters and details how one changed choice or slightly altered circumstance could have drastically changed the outcome of their life and other people’s too. And we’ll never know.

Wow. Just Wow. Have you ever thought about that? What tragedy have we narrowly missed, yet we don’t even know it? Or conversely, what blessings have vanished before we even know of their possibility?

The car accident that was avoided because you lost your keys and were running 10 minutes late.

The breathtaking sunset you missed with your family because you were too busy trying to take the perfect family photo.

When I think about my life and Epilogue, I take comfort that someday all of those secrets will be brought to light. I often talk to my children about how wonderful Heaven will be. Usually it is after that have asked me a particularly difficult question, and I quickly refer them to Jesus. “Ask Him in Heaven! He will tell you!” Oh how busy they will keep Him! All joking aside, I do believe that we will be able to learn about things that we never could comprehend during our time here on Earth.

One time during my life that I really want to have a heart to heart with Jesus about is in 2013. It was when my husband, Eric, and I were going through fertility treatments. We had been extremely prayerful about each decision we made along the way, so we were confident we were in God’s will for our family. We had been cautiously optimistic that we were going to get pregnant. Why not? It was the direction that God was leading us, right? Even so, it was a long, hard, tear filled year for me.

After the second round of failed IVF and a surgery that left me without my fallopian tubes, the nail was in the proverbial coffin. The babies that I had loved and rocked in my dreams would never be. Why had God led us down this road only to be heartbroken?

I remember crying to my mom one day asking her to pray for me because I having such a hard time dealing with the anger and sadness I was feeling. Why didn’t God answer our prayers? She gently spoke to me. “Stephanie, you cannot see the whole story as God can. Perhaps He is saving you from even more pain down the road.”

I had never thought about that. What if I had gotten pregnant but it had ended in a miscarriage? Did God save me from that pain? Or the book that I have written about my battle with Infertility…I never would have felt led to share my story if I had a different ending. How many people am I helping by sharing my story? The horrible surgery I had to remove my fallopian tubes. Could that impact my health down the road? There are some studies that it reduces the risk of Ovarian Cancer. Could that have saved me for the children I have been blessed with?

The bottom line is that I can’t know the answers to everything this side of Heaven. I have to trust that God has written the best story for my life. He is the Author of my story. And I look forward to my book club with Him when I finally get to read my Epilogue.