Yes.

No.

Or the dreaded…WAIT.

Those are the answers that God typically gives us when we pray for something.

Sometimes we have to pray a long time to get an answer.

In 2013, I spent many nights crying and praying.  My husband I were going through fertility treatments with our remaining frozen embryos (our sweet totsicles 🙂  Would I have another sweet baby to snuggle and rock in the wee hours of the night?  Would I give my kids the baby that they asked me for every single day?  Oh please God say YES!!

After a year of failed fertility treatments, I got an answer.  When I had to have surgery to remove my fallopian tubes, the answer was not only a NO, but a “Not Now.  Not EVER!”  It was devastating.  I couldn’t understand why He not only said NO, but slammed the door shut on the possibility to have another baby.  All of my hope was gone.  And honestly, my feelings were hurt.  Why did it have to be so final??  It took me a while to get back on good speaking terms with God.

Fast forward to four years later…

As I was having my quiet time this morning, the Holy Spirit spoke to me.  Saying NO in such a permanent way was the most loving thing that God could do for you.  He wasn’t slamming the door in my face as I felt years ago.  He was wrapping me in His arms and forcing me to face my reality and heal.  God knew me.  He knew that I love babies and would still want to have another one.  He knew if I thought there was even a slight chance that I could get pregnant, I would continue to try.

Infertility robbed my husband and I of so many years in our marriage.  Over the last four years, we have been able to heal and strengthen our marriage.  No consulting a calendar to determine when to be romantic.  No month to month roller coaster of hormones and emotions.  By God taking the possibility of becoming pregnant away from me, He allowed me to focus on the many blessings in my life.

I broke my seven month hiatus of writing because I wonder if anyone else is struggling with an answer that God has given you?  Maybe your feelings are hurt.  Maybe you don’t understand why He had to answer that way.  Maybe you aren’t quite on speaking terms with God right now.

It is hard for us as humans to see beyond this snapshot in time.  God sees the whole eternal picture.  I am so grateful that God gave me the insight into why he said NO and reminded me how deep His love is.

If you or a loved one is battling infertility, you can read more about my story in my book, “Full Heart Empty Womb: How I Survived Infertility…Twice.”

If you would like a prayer partner, send me a message.  I would love to be your prayer warrior.  I only got through my tough times by the power of my friends and family’s prayers.